I now understand what it means to be a Mom



For the past couple of weeks, I've really been thinking about what it truly means to be a "mom".

In May 5, 1998, I lost my Mom to a short and horrible battle with leukemia.  Losing my Mom when I was 20, hurt, it hurt really bad.  Although 14 years have passed since we said good-bye, the hurt aches even more, especially now that I'm a mom.  With the pending arrival of Butterbean #2 and watching Matthew grow into such an amazing little boy, I think about all the things I learned from my Mom before we lost her.  But my heart hurts that she had so much more to teach me. 

There are days that I am angry and I wish more than anything that she could be here with us, but I know that's not possible. Other days I find myself mirroring the ways of my Mom and how I wish she could see that I'm becoming her - what an honor.

What I have come to realize is, that while yes becoming a mom myself has taught me what it means to be a mom, unfortunately losing my Mom has opened my eyes and heart to fully understand what it truly means to be a "mom".

You love your children more than you ever thought possible. 

You worry about them night and day.

You only want the absolute best, even if it means sacrificing yourself.

And you always question and second guess every decision you make. 
I miss her more and more each and everyday and I hurt that my sweet Matthew, Butterbean #2 and even Jason never got to meet the amazing Mom that she was.  
While the hurt is great, my heart heals by knowing that she was such a giving, loving, full of life Mom that I can only hope that I become to my boys.  

2 months until he's 2??!!

It dawned on me yesterday that our sweet Matthew will be 2 in only 2 short months.  Really he's going to be 2?  How can this be?  Each day I watch him grow up a little more and I can't believe it.  He's talking up a storm, repeats everything and putting together short sentences.  It is truly amazing.

He's really becoming such a little boy. 

We even decided to move him from his high chair to a booster, which makes him look like such a little man!

Matthew also seems to be going through a phase of not wanting to sit down during his bath, which makes bathtime a bit difficult and a two parent job, so the other night he was having so much fun, so we snapped a few pictures. 

I just love his expression in this picture!

Matthew was trying to copy Jason and blow bubbles in the water, it was too precious to watch!

I remember the emotions as we approached Matthew's first birthday, and I think I'm just as emotional as he turns 2.  I guess it's from watching how much he's grown from 1 to 2 or that time is flying by so fast.  Either way my sweet little boy is getting bigger each day, and this Mama is in denial!

Fernbank Fun & Easter in Milledgeville

As Matthew's vocabulary is growing like leaps and bounds every day, he's learned the word "dinosaur", so Jason and I took Matthew on his first trip to Fernbank to see the dinosaurs. We had a great time and looking forward to another trip!

We couldn't get Matthew to look at the camera for anything!  He was too busy looking around at everything!

I love that Jason snapped this of Matthew & I

He was a litle uneasy about the "live" dinosaur...

But he finally gave him "five"

I never thought Matthew would pose for this, but he did!  I love it!

Along with dinosaur, he's learned the word "money", so we threw pennies into the fountain

Such a sweet boy!

Easter Weekend we headed to Milledgeville so Matthew could see his Nana & Papa.  It was a fun time and Matthew was sure spoiled with lots of sweet treats!

The Tradition Carries On!

Well it's official Butterbean # 2 is a BOY!

I've had a feeling for a while it was another boy, so it wasn't a huge surprise.
Jason of course is thrilled, and while we are telling Matthew about his baby brother, I don't think he's fully getting it just yet. He knows there's a baby in Mommy's tummy, but the idea that another person will be in our house, that we know he doesn't understand just yet. We'll keep working at it :)

Here are more pictures of Butterbean #2, such a cutie like his brother!

Future Basketball Star?

Well he might need to make sure he has the right ball, but he's got a pretty good game, if you ask me :)