I now understand what it means to be a Mom



For the past couple of weeks, I've really been thinking about what it truly means to be a "mom".

In May 5, 1998, I lost my Mom to a short and horrible battle with leukemia.  Losing my Mom when I was 20, hurt, it hurt really bad.  Although 14 years have passed since we said good-bye, the hurt aches even more, especially now that I'm a mom.  With the pending arrival of Butterbean #2 and watching Matthew grow into such an amazing little boy, I think about all the things I learned from my Mom before we lost her.  But my heart hurts that she had so much more to teach me. 

There are days that I am angry and I wish more than anything that she could be here with us, but I know that's not possible. Other days I find myself mirroring the ways of my Mom and how I wish she could see that I'm becoming her - what an honor.

What I have come to realize is, that while yes becoming a mom myself has taught me what it means to be a mom, unfortunately losing my Mom has opened my eyes and heart to fully understand what it truly means to be a "mom".

You love your children more than you ever thought possible. 

You worry about them night and day.

You only want the absolute best, even if it means sacrificing yourself.

And you always question and second guess every decision you make. 
I miss her more and more each and everyday and I hurt that my sweet Matthew, Butterbean #2 and even Jason never got to meet the amazing Mom that she was.  
While the hurt is great, my heart heals by knowing that she was such a giving, loving, full of life Mom that I can only hope that I become to my boys.